Well its been a week or so since I have been at home. Its weird. I am trying so hard not to let things here affect me but it is so difficult to do that. I don't even feel real anymore. Nothing seems real. I feel like I am floating around in a dream world from place to place not actually knowing what I am doing, or where I am going. Not feeling the sun on my skin, or the wind through my hair. I don't feel real. Nothing seems real. I feel like the world is moving, and whizzing past me but I am moving in slow motion and not being able to keep up with the pace. I feel like I am disappearing and all that is left is the empty shell of my body.

I haven't posted for a while, but I haven't really had anything much to say I guess. Its been kinda hectic lately. I've been moving back home from uni, back home with my parents and stuff, and I am not really doing that well I guess. I hate being told what to do all the time, being told when to eat, when to sleep... having to ask permission to breathe sometimes. I just don't know anymore. I thought that things were going to be ok, but I just see the same cycle starting all over again. I know that it isn't going to end well... But I'm not looking forward to when that day is going to come.

Falling without stopping is utter hell. 

So many things are going through my mind today, so I thought that I would have a bit of a rant to get things down somewhere concrete so maybe I can make sense of them myself. There are just so many thoughts about what I want to do to myself, who i wish I could be, about my family, about being such a lie, about not knowing who I am anymore. I try to be strong, but this has almost become and act, and no one can go on acting forever- well I can't anyway. I know that I am seriously messed up for thinking the way I do about life, and not being able to cope with the 'normal' aspects of everyday life. Instead I go around pretending to be someone else who I'm not... a person who always seems to know exactly what she wants, and is able to guide other people. Why do I actually bother though? I don't know... maybe this is the one thing that keeps me going on. It is actually as I come to think of it. It seems that I am living for other people. I am very fortunate, and I don't deny it, that I have a family who care for me, and people that think that I am a decent person. But I have been lying to them for so long now... if only they were to see the 'true' me- the me who is a lie, the me who can't cope, the me who is a fraud. 

I am getting sick and tired of always thinking of myself, and the 'whys?'. I feel like I am so conceited always thinking of my bloody self. I can't stand the fact that I just can't be happy with what I have got and learn to deal with it because there are so many people in a worse position than myself. There are others who suffer everyday from poverty and starvation, and I live in a country where there is no war, food is there for me to eat each day, I have a roof over my head and I am warm. I am provided with an education so I can go on to succeed, but yet I am so focused on myself and the mess that is going on in my life, that everything else takes a back seat and I am so ungrateful. 

Yes- I do have problems, but who doesn't? I don't deserve this life. I feel like if there was 'life donation' I would gladly give my own to someone else who is less fortunate, who doesn't have the opportunities that I have, who could make use of the resources that I abuse each day. Who wouldn't be a paracite sucking the life out of everything she touched. This is a bit of a random thought but it makes me think of reincarnation I guess, and maybe why people are led to take matters into their own hands. Maybe once one life is ended prematurely, then another person recieves the goodness of that person, and is able to lead a more positive life. You hear about people all the time- someone saves a life, someone is cured of an illness, someone gathers the strength to do something truly amazing. It kind of comforts me to think that 'goodness' is shared, is passed on, is rejuveinated.

Gosh- I'm so weird... I finally realise that now.
That's all for now... I can't rant anymore, I'm out of words!

I wish I could disappear to a world like this... where everything is black and white... simple. Where I can stare out into an unchanging world, be at peace and be calm. Where nature surrounds me pure and untainted. A world where I am free to be me... where nothing can pollute and corrupt.

Can I ever reach this place? Maybe its up to me to find it...

I have this really weird feeling that people think that I am some melodramatic drama queen. I don't know why I feel like this, but it just the way I see things right now... Maybe I'm paranoid, maybe its true. I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

There's no change in how I feel. I don't know what I am doing. I've reached the edge, and its just a matter of time before I fall off.

I feel like I am loosing control of myself. I can't control what I think and the actions that I take. I feel like I need to do something about it... I need to leave. I don't know what to do....

Help...

I haven't posted for a while... but its been really difficult to put things into words. Also- revision has taken priority over most things. Concentrating is so difficult, I just can't seem to do it. Its either because I am too tired, or my mind begins to wonder, and I get lost in the frightening world inside my head. I just don't know what to do with myself really. I keep having really scary thoughts too. I don't know if I used the right word- scary, because they don't actually seem scary to me anymore. They almost seem comforting, because I know I deserve it. I know that what I am thinking should be carried out in a way because I am a really bad person, and I just cause things to go wrong for everyone else. For my family especially I feel that I am just pulling them down, and that in many ways they would be better without me.

I don't know what else to say right now, there is so much going through my mind. I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

My mind feels absolutely blank today. I don't know what I am doing. I am just trying to distract myself minute to minute in the hope that I will get some relief from how I am feeling. I don't want to sound like a broken record, saying the same things over and over again but this is just how I feel. I've been told various coping mechanisms, but I just don't think that any of them work for me. Its driving me crazy.

I didn't think that dreams meant that much really. Maybe I believed in the good dreams, for luck, or a 'sign' that something good was going to happen. For the longest time though I didn't remember my dreams, maybe subconsciously I didn't want to dream for fear of aiming too high, or remembering more of the terrible things from my past. However I have been having really vivid dreams lately, and they are just really really odd! For example the other night I dreamt that I was in a room, painted white, but really dark, like I'm there at night. I have never been in this room before, but yet, in the dream it felt really familiar. You know how sometimes in dreams you can see yourself in the dream like in person, in this dream it was different because I was looking at things from my own eyes [if that makes sense]. I think that's why it felt so absolutely real.

Now- in the dream I'm just wondering around the room looking at things, at the cupboards [I don't open any of them by the way] when all of a sudden this giant, hairy spider comes out, all of a sudden. it is so frightening and scary that I can remember screaming in my dream. I start to panic and get really anxious, and I try to get away from it, but there is no door to leave the room. There are no windows, no means of calling anyone to help me, no means of escape. The spider keeps spining lots of webs, like it is trying to ensnare me, trap me, and take me as its prey. It swings and jumps from its giant web, coming ever closer and the panic is rising. I remember feeling in the dream that if there was a window, that I would jump through, anything to get away from this beast, and my ever growing fear for my life. All of a sudden I am backed up against the wall with no where to run to, no where to hide, and I am trapped. But I am not ready to give up. All of a sudden, this giant spider leaps out towards me with giant fangs towards my face...

I've never jumped out of my sleep and sat bolt upright before ever. Usually I just snap my eyes open and lay there in the darkness with my heart thumping. However for this dream I felt like I was there. I felt so helpless, and so small. The fact that I also remembered this dream in so much detail makes me think a great deal. Why do I? I never remember my dreams like this, they are always hazy with some details of it deleted. You know when you have a general idea of a dream or something, I can still see every detail in my mind.

Anyway, I had to look up what this dream ment, and what I found was quite shocking. For a long time I have been under quite a lot of pressure from my mother especially. She is a very powerful woman, and quite violent at times, but I do love her. Past therapists and present therapists have said to me that she is both emotionally and physically abusive, but I just can't take that in. I feel so guilty for even writing it now. On the webpage http://www.dreammoods.com/dreaminformation/ I found that my dream symbolises:

-The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against  your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider, it symbolizes misfortune and general bad luck. 
-To see a spider spinning a web in your dream, signifies that you will be rewarded for your hard work. You will soon find yourself promoted in your job or recognized for your achievement in a difficult task. Spiders are a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin. On a negative note, spiders may indicate a feeling of being entangled or trapped in a sticky or clingy relationship. It represents some ensnaring and controlling force. You may feel that someone or some situation is sucking the life right out of you. 
-To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream, denotes that your desires will be soon be realized. To dream that you are bitten by a spider, represents a conflict with your mother or some dominant female figure in your life. The dream may be a metaphor for a devouring mother or the feminine power to possess and entrap. Perhaps you are feeling trapped by some relationship. 

I really don't know what to think about this! I guess my mum has been on my mind a lot lately, but why would I remember this dream above all other? The human mind is so complex and works in mysterious ways, I just wish that I could understand my mind a bit more!